This article is less about conspiracies and more about me coming up with nice, little backstories for Halloween elements. This will be mostly fluff: a pumpkin’s sob story, a ghost feeling lonely, and children wearing costumes to hide from the secret society who wants them to have dental hygiene. Normal stuff! Let’s begin!

Twas the night of halloween . . . and nothing eventful was happening. A tired pumpkin sat on the doorstep of a random house (he’d just undergone brain surgery), rotting away slowly and contemplating life. A ghost was sobbing into himself (there were no tissues around) after having been called a “decoration”, and some children were inside the house, getting ready for the big night. 

“We’re, like, 20. Aren’t we too old to go trick-or-treating?”

“WHAT? No you’re not! Your job is to go around and scare the children who come here. “

“Dude, that’s unethical… and AMAZING! Let’s do it.”

“Guys, shouldn’t we be… responsible? I have a dentist appointment at 8.”

“OH, GOOD ONE! US, RESPONSIBLE? BWHAHAHAHHAHAHHH! You of all people should know that we haven’t matured since 8th grade.”

“....fine. But let’s at least leave before the fun is over. The best kids to scare are the ones who go out at 7 pm so they don’t miss bedtime. Let’s go!” 

The decorations watched as the group left the house and slammed the door behind them. The pumpkin sighed and attempted to frown with his fleshless face.

“That one kid was right. They’re too old for this! They could at least show some respect for us decorations.”

At the mention of the word “decoration,” the ghost burst into a fresh round of sobs. 

“You *sob* don’t get to complain! *sniffle*. I’ve been at this house for decades, reused again and again, always disregarded! You’re new here. You wouldn’t understand my FATE!!!!”

“Hey, I’ve been through my fair share of stuff! Have you SEEN the pumpkin processing facility at Walmart? It’s just an underpaid grandma with a carving knife! I’m traumatized more than you’ve ever been. I went to an adoption facility made out of cardboard, and was the last one chosen! Even then, the man who chose me had the most HORRENDOUS name. Mr. SnickerHersheyCottonCandy?! Who hates their child enough to name them that?! I made a daring escape across the sidewalk to come here and change my life, and you discount that?!” 

“Huh. I guess you aren’t so soft after all.”

“No, I’m actually super squishy.”

“That’s not what I meant!”

*awkward silence*

“Anyways, you haven’t heard my story. It’s a tragic one, FULL OF WOE!!”

“Dude, what are you, shakespeare? Just get on with it.”

“How did you know?! I used to write fabulous plays, but after I died, I was cursed to live as this weird tissue thing! Honestly, humans have such strange ideas when it comes to the supernatural. Anyways, I remember the first time I was taken out of my tissue box home, and repurposed into a ghost! My owner used to hang me on the ceiling as he worked. He was a candy chemist, you know. He had this lab, and all these vials full of weird things. He had green and purple string lights hung all around the sugar-filled room, which I think made him feel cool? Idk.”

“That sounds a lot like an evil lair…”

“What? The Halloween spirit must be getting to you. He was just a normal guy who made things in vials, cackled maniacally when he finished, and went on long monologues about how all the children would be writhing in pain for days with his new inventions! Such a gentleman.”

“Umm I don’t think that’s normal. How did you escape?”

“Oh, he got tired of me after a while and threw me on the ground. I journeyed through the air and landed on the doorframe of this house full of irresponsible adults! Now I’m here.”

“That’s… good for you, buddy. Let’s listen to the radio and see how our adult-children are doing.”

*crackle* Hello, people! Halloween is a time of frights and delights, and also teenagers on sugar highs! Watch out. This year, a mysterious thing has occurred: a mysterious man has been giving children more and more sugar, ruining their dental hygiene! Watch out, parents, and make sure your child doesn’t get affected. Happy Halloween! *crackle*

“In all my one year of life, I haven’t seen anything like this. Who would spend their Halloween doing something stupid like that…?”

*DING-dong*

*The adults are sprawled on the ground, surrounded by candy as a dark figure stands amidst the bodies*

“MR SNICKERHERSHEYCOTTONCANDY?!”

“OWNER?!”

“YES, It is I, Mr. SnickerHersheyCottonCandy the middle-aged depressed mad-scientist DENTIST! MWHAHAHAHAH!”

“But… you chose me! You cared for me! Why would you hurt the people I love?”

“I KNEW YOU WERE A PSYCHOPATH!”

“You misunderstand… My evil plan is to ruin all children’s dental hygiene so that they’ll come to me for treatment! With all that money, I’ll be rich!  All the other producers bow down to me. After all, I invented cotton candy in my evil lair, founded Hershey, and created Snickers!!”

“I TOLD you it was an evil lair.”

“Shush. Hey, ex-owner, are you done with your monologue? I would be bored to death, but I’m already dead.”

“Aren’t you… scared or something? Your friends are on the ground after a sugar high, and you’re completely calm? Jeez.”

“Well, since I’m a pumpkin, I can communicate with all food. GET ‘EM, BOYS!!

*A swarm  of candy engulfs the dentist, sweeping into the sky in a cloud of dust*

“Bye-bye, loser.”

“HEY! You didn’t tell me you could do that! I could have added it to one of my plays.”

“Eh, perks of being a decapitated pumpkin.”

(groggily) “Ugh… What happened to us?”

“You guys ate too much candy, that’s what. C’mon. Let’s go inside and study for the SATS.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Moral: Standardized testing is the scariest trick of all.