At this point, listing everything I wrote will be a pain so I’ll cut to the disclaimer.

Disclaimer: If you disagree with me, you’re wrong. Raisin Cookies are a crime against humanity. To heal your brain, play Xenoblade Chronicles 2,  eat three cans of whipped cream, fight your basement demon, then apply bandages.

12. Raisin Cookies are a crime against humanity; the devil’s chocolate chips. These are horrible. Imagine you wake up on a snowy December morning to the heavenly smell of chocolate chip cookies. One is waiting for you on the coffee table; you take a bite of this delectable cookie and realize; it’s not Chocolate, it’s raisins. You spiral into a homicidal frenzy. Raisin cookies are the birthplace of murderers. 

11. Year-old Starburst; if you like rocks and gravel, you’ll love year-old starburst. If you enjoy having teeth, don’t eat these. It’s as hard as a brick, but it’s also sticky.

10. Brick. It’s essentially a year old starburst, but not sticky, and tastes like an old school, like this one.

9. Stale Cookie, there’s not much to say about this one except for the fact that it tastes like a normal cookie, but extra annoyingly crunchy.

8. Cupcakes are severely overrated. This doesn’t mean that I don’t like cupcakes; something can be good and overrated at the same time. (Meyer Dairy’s chocolate milk is an excellent example of this). The actual pastry part is bland, which makes the frosting the main focus. Cupcakes are great when done right; the frosting is meant to complement the cupcake, not the other way around. Cupcakes are a careful equilibrium, and have to be done right to be good.

7. Cake. You can’t go wrong with a good cake. A baked cake can be as good as an Ice Cream cake, but the issue is, people don’t have time or good recipes nowadays to make good cakes. A good cake requires a good baker, which sadly aren’t very common. I’m lucky to have parents that are excellent bakers, and I’ve been baking a lot myself. Overall, cakes are good, but vary greatly. If you want a good cake, learn to bake.

6. Brownies are difficult to mess up. Sweet and chocolatey, they almost always taste good. Unlike cake, brownies are very simple, and a simple trip to the grocery store can yield good brownies, but if you find them not living up to the decadent chocolate dream, try this recipe: https://bakingamoment.com/simply-perfect-brownies-from-scratch/ I sincerely hope the link works on the actual newspaper site, too.

5. Lemon Squares are awesome. I’ve only made them with the box powder, and it’s still amazing. The awesome lemon part is both sour and sweet at the same time and the powdered sugar seals the deal and complements the lemon so well. Awesome.

4. Ice Cream Cake is less variable than normal cake. It’s just ice cream formed into a cake. Really not much to say here except… STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM IS DISGUSTING. That’s right, I said it, and I’ll say it again: Strawberry ice cream is disgusting. One more time just to emphasize this: Strawberry ice cream is disgusting. Strawberries are good. Strawberry ice cream is gross, trivial, and demon inducing. Please. Please don’t buy this, that makes the company want to make more, meaning more of this horrid garbage. If you or someone you love enjoys this stuff, I suggest that you seek an exorcist. 

3. Chocolate chip cookies are amazing, they’re as simple as brownies, and taste heavenly, that is, if they’re chocolate chip cookies and not raisins. There’s really no flaws with these guys

2. Whipped cream is the best food. Creamy, sweet, what else is there to say?

1.  Chocolate Milk is even better; the holy liquid. It’s variable, yes, but Byler’s easily puts choccy milk on top. I wouldn’t count this as a dessert, but it’s just the best.