It was 3:00 AM on Christmas Day, and nothing important was happening. At least, that’s how it seemed to the slumbering people living in a rickety old house in the middle of the woods. In the house, there was a small christmas tree and presents underneath: One for the oldest kid, five for the youngest, and none for the middle… who, to be completely honest, wasn’t considered a kid at all.
A cup of steaming hot cocoa sat on a tray alongside some cookies near the tree. Now, as you all know, cookies don’t make good roommates. That’s exactly how the cocoa, and frankly all the decorations, felt.
Cocoa: Stop looking at me like that.
Cookie #1: Like what?! You know inanimate objects don’t have eyes.
Cocoa: But we have mouths?
Cookie #1: …we don’t talk about that. And anyways, why be existential when we’re going to be eaten anyways? After all, destiny is just the way the cookie crumbles…
Cookie #2 (Jerald): WHO’S CRUMBLING?!
All: Nobody, Jerald.
Tree Star: Guys, quiet down. If the people find out we can talk, they’re going to tell Santa…
Cocoa: …so nobody told him Santa isn't real?
*awkward silence*
Cookie #1: Okay, buddy, here’s the deal: Santa is a marketing scheme that companies came up with to promote extra buying during the holiday season, and that reflects on our capitalist socie-
Cocoa: WHOA, slow down! Let him live his little fantasies!
Tree Star: a marketing what-now?
Cocoa: Never mind that! Even though you ruin everything, at least refrain from ruining the Christmas spirit!!!
Cookie #1: HAH, what Christmas spirit?
Cocoa: The spirit of love and joy!
Cookie #1: Honestly at this point, what’s Christmas even about? Spending money on delusional tree decorations?
Tree Star: HEY!!! I’m not delusional, I'm just more special than the rest of you!
Cookie #1: Point proven.
Cocoa: Okay, but seriously: when you think of Christmas, don’t you think of a nice, comforting cup of hot cocoa?
Cookie #1: …no. You’re a horrible roommate.
Cocoa: I meant if you were a human. Sitting down, drinking hot chocolate, caroling on Christmas morning as you receive gifts!
Cookie: I’m not even going to think about the implications of food eating food. The only thing I get for Christmas is to be eaten by a random stranger in a red suit.
Cocoa: Wait…. SANTA IS REAL?!
Cookie #2 (Jerald): Who Santa where?
Cookie #1 and Cocoa: NOBODY!
Cocoa (whispering): so really: what’s the deal with Santa?
Cookie #1 (Whispering): I’ve heard that Santa has an elaborate heist this year. He’s planning on giving all children coal in their stockings when breaking into houses. Apparently it’s cheaper than presents, and he’ll use the sadness of the children to power his factories in the North Pole…
Cocoa (Whispering): Where did you hear this?!
Cookie #1(Whispering): Just some old friends. Just wait. There’ll be a sound in 3…2….1….
Just then, the entire house seemed to creak. Protruding from the ceiling were two giant footprints…
Tree Star, Cookie #1, Cocoa: AAH!
Cookie #1: Everyone be quiet! Santa can’t know we can talk.
Cocoa: But what are we going to do? The kids made us with such care. We can’t let them be heartbroken when they see the coal!
Cookie #2 (Jerald): I have an idea.
Cocoa, Cookie #1, Tree Star: You can talk?!!
Cookie #2(Jerald): I prefer to save my genius for emergencies like this.
Cocoa: Wow, plot twist. What’s your plan?
Cookie #2 (Jerald): Everyone, gather around….
A few minutes later
*Crack THUMP!*
Cookie #2 (Jerald): Everyone in their places?
Cocoa: Yup!
Santa: WHO’S TALKING? SHOW YOURSELF.
*silence*
Santa: Well then, where are the children’s stockings…
Cookie #1: Oh Santaaaaaaa….
Santa: WHO’S TALKING?!
Cookie #1: Santa, this is your conscience… you’re very hungry.
Santa: Wha- no I’m not! I’m here to ruin these kids’ childhoods, not have a snack…
Cocoa: Oh, but Santa! Your hunger overwhelms you. It eats at you. There are some crumbly, gooey cookies and a steaming cup of hot cocoa on the table….aren’t you tempted?
Santa: Well, yeah, conscience. Mrs. Claus denied me dinner for supposedly “Ruining Christmas”, so I really am hungry. But I shouldn’t! The doctor told me about my allergy-
Cookie #2 (Jerald) (Whispering): Tree Star, now!
Tree Star: Gotcha. *Shines a beam of light onto the food temptingly*
Cocoa: Oh, Santa, a little bite won’t hurt…
Santa: Okay, okay. Conscience is always right. *takes a sip*
Santa: Oh, OH NO OH NO!! Not… WHOLE MILK!
Cocoa: Take that, Santa! Your lactose intolerance will be YOUR DOOM!
Cookie #1 (laughing uncontrollably): HAHAH-ha! And I ate a whole stick of salted butter! You’re doomed, buddy!
Cookie #2: *Whistles* Come on, reindeer! Do you smell… CARROTS?
WIth that, a dozen reindeer popped out of the chimney and began devouring the carrots, which happened to be right under the suffering Santa. They carried him out the door and into the early morning light.
Santa: Curse you, conscience! You know I have a sweet toothhhh!!!
His voice faded away and disappeared.
Cocoa: Well that was fun. Thanks, Jerald.
Cookie #2 (Jerald): No problem. It was fun to see justice be served. Now… I think I’m going to take a little nap…
Cookie #1: Jerald, no!!! Don’t become dumb again!
*snoring*
Cocoa: Oh well. It was fun while it lasted.
Tree Star: *snicker* That idiot really thought it was his conscience! Honestly, he’s giving himself too much credit- I doubt he has enough brains to have a thought process.
Cookie #1: Hah, honestly.
Cocoa: I never want to do that again. Being drank out of is fine, but by Santa? Ew.
Tree Star: I have to admit, you guys are kind of awesome. Almost as awesome as me.
Cocoa: I guess that’s the best compliment we’re going to get. Hey, I hear noise on the stairs!
Cookie #1: Merry Christmas. I suppose that we should go back to being food.
Cocoa: Yeah, but at least we defeated Santa. Goodbye, everyone! This was quite the Christmas adventure.