Disclaimer: If you disagree with me, drink some choccy milk while sitting in the rain, contemplating your life choices. Also, coffee is gross and tastes like mud. Fight me.

If you’re reading this, chances are you know me as the dumb ranking guy, if you don’t know that about me, by any chance, do you live under a rock? But as a literary genius, I was just mindlessly colouring in art class and I was thinking about what I’d write for the newspaper.

“Huh, I’m thirsty… WAIT! Ranking a bunch of stupid drinks would do very well!” And then after that I accidentally knocked over my water bottle. Where was I? Oh, right, ranking drinks. I could come up with fifteen off the top of my head.

Honourable Mention: Carbonated Milk. I talk about Carbonated Milk a lot, so ranking it too high or too low wouldn’t feel right.

Fourteen: Chunky milk. Glug glug, Squishy white chunks! This has a horrid taste that a paragraph can’t describe. I’m just gonna head to the next one, because this is making me ill.

Thirteen: Coffee, bitter mud. Upon first pouring this horrid concoction into your mouth, all you’ll taste is bitterness, then suddenly, dirt joins the party! The vile concoction even looks like mud! Yuck. Why do people drink this stuff? I know it’s to keep them awake. They claim it’s the caffeine, but really, it’s the unholy taste keeping them awake.

Twelve: Mud. Mud is just thicker coffee, just without the bitterness.

Eleven: Chocolate Water. Chocolate water doesn’t actually taste good. Oh, fun fact, they sell chocolate water! Not in East Asia like its brother, carbonated milk, but in the USA under the name YooHoo. I know you don’t believe it, but the next time you drink YooHoo, look at the ingredient list. I promise that I’m not a liar. 

Ten: Coke. Not good, not bad. Overrated? Of course. This is so incredibly overrated! Not the best soda. Fight me.

Nine: Orange Juice. OJ is okay. It’s a similar case to coke. Coke is okay, but super overrated. But since OJ is slightly less overrated, I’ll let it beat Coke.

Eight: Lemonade. Same case as the two before it, but I like it a bit better.

Seven: Lemon juice! Straight up lemon juice is actually better than lemonade in my opinion; I really like some sour things, and lemons are one of them.

Six: Water. Water is only this high because humans need water to survive and it’s really good at 3 am.

Five: Tea. Tea is actually pretty good; fantastic for writing. It could be better, but for me, it’s a solid fifth place.

Four: Milk. Milk has my respect. It’s very good for a lot of other things and is actually pretty good on its own. It also makes your bones stronger, which explains why I have literally never broken a bone.

Three: 7-Up. 7-Up is easily the best soda. Don’t even bother arguing or crying out, “oH, 7uP iS oFf bRaND sPRiTe!!!!1!!” It’s really not. See a psychiatrist.

Two: Hot chocolate. Hot Chocolate is spectacular. This happens to be the perfect season for it, and it’s also a really good writing drink year-round. Easily second place. Also, if you feel the temptation to cry out, “yOu’Re a fREaK!1! hOT chOCOlAtE iS oNLy fOr wINtEr!1!” You’re probably one of the people who also thinks 7-Up is off-brand sprite; while you’re seeing your now necessary psychiatrist, I’ll be drinking my hot chocolate on my porch in mid-july. 

One: Chocolate Milk. Choccy Milk. What else is there to say? Just go read my choccy milk article. I have a day of the week designated for going to the farmer’s market to get the best chocolate milk ever.