Disclaimer: I’m really running low on ideas. Please, please send me any ideas on things to rank.

Disclaimer 2: The first ranking months was really bad. I was young, I was foolish, okay?

Disclaimer 3: This article was written by someone with an ego the size of the Soviet Union.

Explanation: This is how I’ll be doing this. Any month that causes pain, physical or mental, will drop down. Months with candy and/or free stuff will get an increase. The colder a month is, the better it will score. Couple that with my immense knowledge and insults, and boom, you have this article.

12. March

March is terrible. There is simply nothing to like here. Those braindead people who like March either have their birthday in March, or their brain is the smoothest thing in human history. Smooth enough that the stimulation won’t be able to handle it, and their brain will become a black hole. Spring break is nice and all, but it doesn’t redeem the pain and suffering that is March.

11. February.

February is awful. I’ve been converted. Last year, I put February in 5th?! What was I even doing?! February is budget March, and has the most depressing holiday: Valentine’s Day. Sure, I still get gifts from my parents, but we went from getting a massive bag of candy, to simply being sad. Other than that, there’s nothing in February except slush. All and all, if February was a person, I’d fire a loaf of bread through their skull at three times the speed of sound. 

10. September 

September is mentally draining. It’s the first full month of the epitome of my suffering: school. The temperature is meh, there’s no holidays, and as I previously stated school starts. Frankly, September would’ve been fine by me, but no, we just gotta have school. My suffering willn’t end until I’m out of here.

9. May

May is awful. It's hot, and triggers my allergies. If someone gave me the choices of spending my life in eternal May, or committing war crimes, I’ll take my arsenic to the water supply.

8.  August 

August is hot, and you go back to school. I hate the crushing feeling of hopelessness and dread that ensues in the week before school starts. Other than that, you have your last twenty or so days before school starts. Also, the pool closes, which also sucks.

7. July

July is stupidly hot. Whilst I don’t believe in the message of July 4th, as I have my own country, which is 100 times better, I like fireworks, which is saving July from being a whole lot lower.

6. June 

June is also too hot. As you’ve probably learned, I hate being too hot. The summer months, whilst liberating me from prison school, cook me alive. Like, whoever’s making the months, can we have the max possible temperature be the mid-October temp?

5. November 

November is a fairly mid month. The temperature is okay, and having a break is nice, but the break is for the most overrated holiday: Thanksgiving. I genuinely hate Thanksgiving. Of the week I spend in Maine over that break, Thanksgiving is likely my least favourite day of the whole trip, but the drive back home is hard to beat. Everyone is so busy and on edge for food that’s really mid, well, except for my grandma’s pies. Even then, the only pie I don’t like is the one famous in Thanksgiving food: Pumpkin Pie. I should probably stop ranking now, as I’ve already angered the Thanksgiving fans. Then again, do Thanksgiving fans even exist? All in all, Thanksgiving is the favourite holiday of literally nobody.

4. April 

April is terrible. Then wait, why is it in fourth? My birthday. I’m biassed, but there’s no such thing as an unbiassed ranking. Overall, besides some family birthdays, including mine, April sucks. The weather is garbage, there’s pollen, and there’s Spring temperatures. Also, there’s ‘bucket season’, which I’ll admit is moreso an issue with the structural integrity of the school, but having to watch my step for ceiling leakage is really  annoying. To be honest, I don’t like April, but my birthday carries it.

3. October

I love October. The whole feeling of fall and halloween sets a nice ambiance for October. I’ll admit that I don’t like Pumpkin Spice Lattes, but that’s because coffee tastes like bitter, dirty water, which is what it is. The weather is nice, and I like the changing of the leaves, so yeah, October’s great.

2. January

January is one of the freest second places I’ve ever had the honour of giving out. If you still give January undeserved hate, you’re incredibly immature, peaked in preschool, and the only way anyone would like to touch you is with a taser. You are simply a degenerate, leeching off of popular trends, unwilling to admit that January is objectively a fantastic month. If you hate January, as I stated in my third disclaimer, you smell horrendous, and your bedsheets are abysmally disgusting. Nobody eats all their meals in bed. Take a shower, I beg of you. If you really think January’s that bad, fight me. I’m not that strong, as the only sport I play is bowling, but I will clobber you. After I defeat you, I will plan your funeral. It’ll be in January. I am tired of getting crap for accepting that January is a great month. It’s nice and cold, you have all of your Christmas presents to help you through school, you will never be too hot, and Cocoa is great to drink in January. If playing Xenoblade while snuggled up under a blanket or two isn’t heaven, I don’t know what is. Also, Flaerhartian independence day. If basking in the cold, cheerful glory of the only Authoritarian state with a sense of humour isn’t great, I don’t know what is, and your execution is probably awaiting. If you don’t wanna be cold, you can be six feet under. January is fantastic, and if you disagree, you are just plain wrong.

1. December

December is obviously going to be first place. The temperature is great, the atmosphere is perfect, and all major cultures have a big holiday in December. If you don’t like December, you don’t exist.