Okay, get your fries ready, because this is a weird one. The idea came to me after arguing with my sister about curly fries. My younger sister, Callie, has bad taste buds. She thinks that dark chocolate is too bitter and curly fries are nasty. You may be a fantastic sibling, but when it comes to food, especially curly fries, you’re an idiot.

10. Steak Fries

When you google this abomination, you’ll see potato wedges, which aren’t steak fries, and these stupid, short, fat fries. They’re not tater tots; they have no crisp, and aren’t made of shredded potatoes. steak fries are nasty. They taste how walking with wet socks feels. They’re all mushy, and I bet if I bit one, it would squelch. Ew. Ew. 1000 times, ew.

Steak fries are to French fries what Fascist Italy was to the Roman Empire. If you enjoy Steak Fries, you love Gallikers, Pineapple Pizza, The Independent State of Croatia, and Italian Fascism. Every time I see these, I have an undying urge to become dictator of Italy, and then invade Albania.

9. Sweet Potato Fries

This may be unfair, as the only sweet potato fries I’ve had were the school’s, but they taste like uncomfortably moist bread and like they were fried in the lukewarm tears of students. I bet these can be good, but the ones at prison school are terrible.

8. Crinkle Cut

Dude, these are mediocre at best. They’re almost always undercooked, or undersalted. The only good experiences I had with them was at some diner in Connecticut, and Mr. Beast Burger, which closed. These can be good, it’s just poor execution. Get some good cooks, and beat the old ones with a wet stick of Mozzarella.

7. Normal Fries

After crinkle cut, this article got difficult. By normal fries, I mean the long ones with the skins off. These are basically just McDonald’s and Burger King’s fries, although a few better restaurants do these, and then they’re great. The place I’m thinking of specifically is Northland Bowl. You may be saying, “oH, iT’S a bOWlInG aLlEy, tHeY bRIbeD yOu!” and to that, I say, while I may be a member of their youth league, they didn’t pay me to say this, and genuinely, their fries, both normal and curly, are godsent.

6. Potato Wedges

Back in my day, the school would sometimes have these, and the seasoning was phenomenal. Before those, I didn’t even think the school had heard of spices. It was very good, and just a little bit spicy. PFMS, if you bring these, and the chocolate milk jugs back, I’ll stop saying that the F in PFMS stands for Fascist. However, these did have a little too much potato skin, and that’s why they’re so low.

5. Waffle Fries

Now, you’d think the holes cause sauce to leak through, but they don’t. I’ve only had waffle fries  in two places: a diner in Connecticut and Chick-fil-A.  Nevertheless, when these are done right, they’re fantastic. However, Chick-fil-A will sometimes undercook these.

4. Onion Rings

If you saw this and immediately thought, “These aren’t fries!” Then yes, you’re right, but I included them. Cry harder. You’ll certainly be crying when you are banished to Virginia: the worst place in the entire world. Fitting.

Anyway, Onion Rings are fantastic, and near impossible to mess up. Literally anywhere can have good Onion Rings. If Burger King can for cheap, then anywhere can. The crunch on these are fantastic, and they’re sometimes served with this utterly fantastic, spicy, mayo-like sauce. I’m getting hungry just writing this. If you think I’m wrong, you better watch your family before they end up in Virginia with you.

3. Tater Tots

Again, if you said these aren’t fries, I don’t actually care, but I feel like your family banished to Virginia probably do. But yeah, tater tots. These are actually my father’s favorite kind of fry, and I certainly see why. The exterior is ridiculously crunchy, but not hard to bite through. The inside is soft and fluffy, which is delicious. If you don’t like these, I don’t know you, but I bet that in your past life, you were “removed” by Italian Partisans on September 30th, 1943 in a square in Milan.  Tater Tots are utterly fantastic.

2. Fresh Cut

These are the normal french fries, but with the skin on; you may be wondering why the skin matters so much. I’m not going to call you a fascist, as that’s a valid question.

The skins, to me, signify quality. Most restaurants nicer than McDonalds or Burger King have the skins on, and tend to be better. Nothing bad to say here, other than the fact that they’re kinda basic.

1. Curly Fries

Curly fries. Need I say more? I probably should. 

If I saw 20 people dangling from a cliff, and a fresh basket of Curly Fries, I’d take the Curly Fries, no questions asked. Objectively, the shape is fun, but what you’re really coming back for is the seasoning. If you hate Curly Fries, you already know that I’m going to call you a Fascist.

Curly Fries are phenomenal. As I stated earlier, Northland Bowl makes the best Curly Fries. No questions asked here.  If you actually hate curly fries, then get a life and stop being a Fascist.

That’s it. Bye.