Abby: Hello, this is WEEKFANS. I’m Abbioli Cow!
Serena: What do you mean, this FAKE NEWS.
Abby: It’s literally the same thing! I just rearranged the letters! Chill!
Serena: Uh. . ok sure! Wait… hold up… WE’RE DOING A NEWS CHANNEL?
Director: Cut!
(accidentally leaves microphone and camera on)
(it was because all of the crew quit after being yelled at by the director)
Director: You’re not supposed to argue! This is a NEWS CHANNEL!
Abby: But-–hmph!! Arghhhh!
Serena: But I thought it was fake news…
Director: NO IT’S NOT!
(realizes mic and camera are on)
Director: TURN THE MICROPHONE AND CAMERA OFF!
*beep*
(two minutes later)
*camera zooms into focus*
Abby: Hey Serena, I wasn’t at school on day 5 ‘cause I was sick. Can I borrow your notes for science class because we have a review class next time and a test next next time and I need to study so I have to study using the notes and—
Serena: NO.
Abby: WHAT WHY???? YOU—
Director: JUST START ALREADY!
Serena: Hmph.
Director: 3, 2, 1, strawberry!
Abby and Serena: ?????
Director (screaming): YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO START NOW!
Abby: Ok, ok, hmph! Welcome to WEEKFANS. I’m—
Serena: She’s a beagle cow!
Director: CUT!
Abby: I AM NOT A BEAGLE COW! I AM ABIGAIL CAO!
Serena: No!
Abby: Yes!
Serena: No!
Abby: Yes!
Serena: No!
Abby: Yes!
Director: Stop yapping! I didn’t order a yappacino! (throws mug of coffee which bounces off wall and hits him in the face)
Director: (collapses unconscious)
(Automated voice starts)
Any stunt of this news was performed by professionals. Please do not take any information in this news seriously and please go home safe so that these actors don’t have to take blame.
Abby: CALL SOMEONE SERENA CALL SOMEONE
Serena: *taps some numbers on her phone
(Automated voice starts again)
Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice message system. *censored* - is not available. At the tone, please don’t leave a message. *beep*
Serena: Uhh.. I’ll try it again.
(Automated voice starts a third time)
Please stop calling *censored*. They do not want to talk to you. Now please, shoo.
Abby: WHO DID YOU EVEN CALL????
Serena: Uh… the dentist?
Abby: NO
Serena: Yes
Abby: NO!
Serena: Yes!
Abby: NO!
Serena: YES!
THE END
Abby: SERENA! GET OVER HERE NOW!
Serena: Uhh… I’m good!
(in the background a door slams shut)
Abby: SERENA!!! Ni Ben!
(Automated voice starts again)
Please note, there is NO PART 2.
FAKE NEWS PT 2
Abby: Hello, welcome back to the second EVER episode of…WEEKFANS!! YAY!!!!
(Serena quit her job)
Abby: Ok, we need to get Serena back. So, using my ‘sources’, I know that she is at her house in Hawaii watching Hamilton right now. Please, kindly give me a moment to drag her back here!
(Sudden realization)
Abby: What time is it? It’s seven AM, so… IT’S ONLY 2 AM IN HAWAII! Hooray! Added bonus!
*calls Serena*
Serena: Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system. *censored* is not available. At the tone, please don’t leave a message.
Abby: I know this is you, SERENA!
Serena: No it’s not!
*Abby hangs up and flies to Serena’s house in Hawaii*
(Abby and Serena start screaming in chinese)
Abby: 你给我回来！！（GET BACK HERE NOW!)
Serena: 不！(NO!)
Abby: 你快回来！(GET OVER HERE FASTER!)
Serena: 我就不！(I WILL NEVER)
(Meanwhile Henry Cleveland enters Serena’s house)
Henry: Uhh… What????
*pulls up Google Translate on his phone*
*More screaming in Chinese from Serena and Abby*
Google Translate Voice: No! Yes! No! Yes! We need to continue the news! No we don’t!
Henry: Ah. So YOU want this and YOU want that and…DID SERENA JUST CALL ABBY A COW?! AND ABBY JUST CALLED SERENA– I mean… not gonna lie… a bit harsh.
Abby and Serena: %@#&@!%#
Henry: Excuse me, that is not appropriate language!
*Abby and Serena stop and glare at him
*Abby and Serena look at each other
*Abby opens the door and Serena grabs Henry, shoves him out, and slams the door shut
Abby: *smiles pleasantly* Anyway, shall we continue?
*Abby and Serena continue screaming
(Henry is pressed up against the window and peers through)
CRASH!!!!
*Abby and Serena turn around to see Henry on the floor and a broken window next to him.* Henry: Woah there, that is not nice!
Abby (pleasantly): Shall we give Henry a one-way ticket to Greenland?
Serena (pleasantly smiles): Why, that is the best idea you have ever had!
Abby: Thank you so much!
Serena: Also the first best idea you ever made!
Abby: And then along the way we should go back to our WEEKFANS studio!
Serena: Fine.
Henry: B-but-but-but ok first why GREENLAND? And I also wanna go to WEEKFANS!
Abby and Serena: *laugh villainously*
(big fanfare plays)
THE END!
*There is totally not a Part 3 ;)
TOTALLY