This article isn't meant to convince anyone that Santa is or isn't real: It’s just meant as entertainment for people who want something to read that’s not serious or brain cell-consuming. I know Christmas is far away, but here are some early theories I have about the man in the red suit:
You know the line, “He sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake”? They worded it like that for a reason. You see, Santa is a creature of the night and is therefore nocturnal, so he watches (or sees) you when you sleep. But when daylight comes along, his beady little eyes can’t adjust to the light, so he stops being able to see you. Your absence lets him know that you’re awake! That’s why he sees you when you're sleeping and doesn't see you when you're awake.
Santa has his work cut out for him: He has to eat 8 billion plates of cookies and 8 billion glasses of milk during the night before Christmas. Even if we say that he was really hungry, there has to be a better explanation: Santa is what scientists call a black hole. You heard me! He sucks up everything around him, “noodlifies” it, and then spits out presents as a white hole. Scientists have never actually been to a black hole…. But maybe the black hole comes to them. Just saying. If you don’t give him cookies, then he raids your kitchen.
We all know that Santa has a whole workshop of elves to make presents for him so he can spit them out on Christmas eve. But how are there so many elves? In tales of old, elves aren’t many in number. They’re secretive and don’t work for anyone other than themselves, kinda like goblins. So how are there so many in Santa’s workshop? Well, we can ask Gulliver’s Travels. Remember the Lilliputians who tied him up? They swarm in the hundreds. My theory is that after Gulliver left, Santa colonized the Lilliputian land and made them work as his servants. He told them he’d give them endless supplies of cookies and milk… You get where I’m going? Black holes. The elves we all love are actually trapped, underpaid Lilliputians!
Okay, Santa's house is huge. Like GINORMOUS. How did an old black hole of a colonizer get enough money to buy that land from the animals in the north pole, hmm? Guess what! The rising crime rates around the world are because of him. Santa is an expert at sneaking into places like houses undetected, so why couldn’t he do that to a bank? Bank cameras can’t detect black holes. Just go, take the money, blame it on rising crime rates! Genius. I mean, unethical, but still.
Finally, we’ve come to big old Rudolph with his party clown nose. A genetic modification, perhaps? Or, a romcom drama scene with Rudolph's parents’ tragic backstories? The latter, of course! It makes things more interesting. One dreary day, Rudolph’s parents got the news that their child had a special mark, and they were devastated. It’s common knowledge that anything red in the world is Santa’s property, so Santa busted through the hospital roof and stole Rudolph as his parents wept. Tragic, right? Then we get a whole story about Rudolph's trials and struggles against Santa's love of capitalism, and the messed up system that he had been roped into and genetically modified to be exploited for fame! And through it all… Rudolph struggles with his emotions for a Lilliputian. AMAZING, RIGHT?!! This had to have happened.
To conclude, these aren’t even half of the ideas I have regarding Santa Claus. (Please keep in mind that this is for entertainment purposes only). I hope you enjoyed these theories! Also, make sure to install a home security system on December 24th and hide your children… The black hole is coming. Merry two-months-before-Christmas!!