Disclaimer: This article contains ALL items ever ranked, so it’s gonna be long. Don’t skip this; each item gets a new paragraph!
ABSOLUTE TRASH
“Wow, much garbage.”
100. Fortnite. You know my views on Fortnite. If I was forced to pick between playing Fortnite, or licking a public toilet seat, I wouldn’t even stutter in picking that toilet seat. This game is horrendous and would leave a worse taste in my mouth than if I licked a public toilet seat.
99. Reese’s. This is basically arsenic, but tastes disgusting.
98. Arsenic is Reese’s but it tastes better. (It has no taste.)
97. The flag of Pennsylvania is an insult to our culture. This flag is hideous. My eyes burn when I look at it. First of all, the shade of blue is horrendous. The state seal would be okay if forty or so states didn’t do the exact same thing. Take inspiration from our neighbours; Ohio and Maryland. (It pains me very much to say anything about Ohio doing better than Pennsylvania, but their flag is sooooo much better than ours.) Both of those flags are beautiful, and original, which our flag is neither. I could go on insulting it all day, but I should stop now.
96. Football. Oh… Football. I know all of you jocks are gonna be out for my head after reading this, so just skip this. Okay, now that all of them have moved on, I can rant about football. It sucks. It sucks soooo much. First of all, the people who play this game are paid way too much. Second, the people who play this game are also very likely to damage their brain, but seeing that they play this game, there’s not much to damage. Third, this game fills our town with people from all over the place, which causes so much traffic that trying to do anything in town on a football weekend is basically a suicide mission for your brain cells and also means you can’t do anything due to all the traffic. (This is extra angering because the stupid Blue and White game falls on my birthday weekend.) We should honestly get rid of Football and turn the stadium into a fancy mall or something. There are about a million better uses for that cool looking building.
95. Coffee. People have tried to convince me that it’s good, but I’m doubling down. It’s now in 95th place. If you would like to argue, pay the five dollar arguing tax. It tastes like dirt. Fight me.
94. Mud. *blinks intensely*
93. Mott’s fruit snacks. These claim to be fruit snacks. These are barely fruit snacks. These sicken me. Just get Welch’s fruit snacks. They’re so much better!!
92. Chunky milk. I mean, better than coffee.
91. Skittles. It has come to my attention that some freaks actually like these. Do you even have taste buds? Something something fake M&Ms something something.
90. The US school system. *Blinks very intensely*
89. Mint-flavored anything. This garbage just burns. It has no taste, just the horrible pain.
88. Galliker's chocolate milk. Ebrecht sich auf zu Gesicht. This stuff is probably poisoned, because there’s no way that anybody can make chocolate milk this bad without poisoning it. This is the stuff the school has.
87. Raisin cookies. The devil’s chocolate chip cookies. When I founded the glorious nation of Flaerhart, the second law I made was banning raisin cookies, and giving an extremely harsh punishment to anyone who makes them. Raisins are the devil’s chocolate chips.
86. Tootsie Rolls. Ah, yes, half-decomposed plastic to be given to kids. This sure is a great idea!
85. Candle Corn. Oh, sorry, candy corn, but they are basically the same thing. If you melt down candy corn and stick a wick in that, you now have a candle. My friend claimed candy corn was good, and now for his birthday, he will get a candy corn candle. CANDLE CORN
84. March. I believe this was the first thing in my first ranking. The first object to be made fun of and slandered. Little did it know what it being dissed upon would bring about… Anyways, March is a horrible month and is muddy, rainy, polleny, and misery. Also, it can’t make up its mind if it would like to snow or burn us alive.
83. Animal Crossing. This game is horribly boring and is designed to be that way. It’s one of those games that’s meant to hold your attention for twenty minutes. I can pay more attention in my classes than I could for this boring game.
82. Stools. The chairs in our classrooms are already horribly uncomfortable, but in our science and art classes, we have these monstrosities. I feel like these were invented by someone who hates kids. They were probably thinking, “Hmmmm, how do I make these brats suffer more? Ah, I have the most perfect idea!” So that evil jerk went into his classroom and removed the backs from all the chairs; he likely took great pleasure in seeing those children suffer. Stools still cost as much as chairs. These are almost definitely only here to make us suffer.
81. July. If you like watching your own skin melt, then you must adore July. Go boil to death playing sports all you want, but I’ll be inside with my Xenoblade games and my ice cream. Fireworks and no school are the only good things in the whole month. As for me, the Cons much outweigh the Pros.
BAD
“These objects got nowhere close to the top.”
80. Cuphead. This game is only for people who hate their life. I mean really.
79. Chocolate water. It pains me to put it here, but it’s actually terrible. But hey, it’s still better than the school’s chocolate milk.
78. Year-Old Starburst. Bricks, but you can’t build with them.
77. Brick. Year-Old Starbursts but you can build with them.
76. Stale Cookie. Not much to say other than it’s way too crunchy, so I’m going to tell a partially related story. Okay, so I was baking cookies, and my mom was complaining that she thought they were underbaked so with the next batch, I burnt them and I was basically like, “You asked for a crispy cookie. Here’s your crispy cookie.” and gave her a burnt cookie. The best cookies are the soft ones.
75. September. It’s here to round off the bad section. Not much notable, just the first full month of school. The torture begins for both students and teachers. Nobody likes September.
MEDIOCRE
“The objects narrowly escaped the eternal torment of the bad tier.”
74. Minecraft. Not good, not bad; overrated. NEXT!
73. August. It’s hot and school starts. Not sure what else there is to August. Also it has no holidays whatsoever.
72. June. Hot. That’s all.
71. May, it sucks. It hurts my eyes and is too hot.
70. Frosted muffins or “cupcakes” as the neanderthals would call it, are a careful balance between frosting and muffins, but people are bad with the careful balance.
69. Smarties. These are okay. Not good. Not bad. Just powder, packed into little disks… Sound familiar? These are just sugar pills.
68. Dum-dums are people who don't read my articles a brand of lollipop, where how much you like them solely depends on which flavour you get.
67. Coke. The funny powder… Oh, you mean the drink? It’s overrated and I don’t have much more to say, so I’ll whack a fun fact here. Fun fact: Coke (The Drink) used to contain Coke (The funny powder)
66. Flag of the US. It’s overrated. The flag itself is fine, but we whack that thing on everything. Candies, backpacks, clothing… Like, what other country puts their flag on a shirt? I want a shirt with the flag of any other country on it! (Update: For my birthday, I got a shirt with the flag of Kazakhstan on it.)
65. Pokemon Scarlet. Yes, this game was actually good, but due to all the glitches, it cannot reach stardom.
64. Unfrosted Cupcakes. With these, you needn’t worry about the frosting, because these don’t have frostings. Chocolate chips go great in these, and if people would be rational and just put chocolate chips in these, they’d be much higher, but some stupid people will put the devils chocolate chips (Raisins), blueberries, dates, and so much more garbage.
63. January. You people are jerks to January. Go put yourself in time out or something, you hurt its feelings. Okay, but being serious, January is kinda underrated. I don’t love January, but I will protect it. Yeah, it’s cold, so what? The cold is nice. You people think the scenery is ugly because all the plants are dead? No, that’s March. Yes, the plants are dead, but all the beautiful snow makes up for that tenfold.
62. Chairs. These are gonna land right about here. There’s a lot of comfy chairs, but also a ton of uncomfortable chairs too. 62nd place for them.
GOOD
“These made it closer to stardom, but fell from the mountains.”
61. Homemade Chocolate Milk. If you get the ratio right, it’s good, if you get the ratio wrong… well… Ebrecht sich auf zu gashicht.
60. Barbeque chips. These are really good, but everything beats them. They’re sweet with just a hint of spice, making them really good. 60th place. Pretty good.
59. Mario Kart. I quite like this game, and play it with my younger sister Callie. This game tends to be quite competitive, but also quite fun. Overall, good game.
58. Bowling. The sport for people who don’t like sports. I was on a bowling league with my friend Vin, who is seen in one of the pictures in my interview on the SCASD website. (Go read that, it’s really good!) But, anyway, who doesn’t like hucking pounds of concrete at little pins to try to knock them all down? And actually, me and Vin’s team, Clever Name, won a trophy for second highest score including handicaps. So, yeah. Bowling is good.
57. Lemonade. Good? Yes. Sour? Yes. Sweet? Yes. Overrated? YES.
56. Meyer Dairy. It’s good. But, since Mrs. Thompson reads my articles, I am inclined to say, MEYER DAIRY IS OVERRATED!!
55. Valewood. Brings a tear to my eye. You used to be terrible, flavorless even. After the chocolate milk ranking, you really had a glow up. I’m so proud. You go from being at the bottom to being in the middle. Keep it up! Good job, Valewood!
54. Starburst is okay, but the red and pink flavours are bad, which is weighing it down. Now, if it were just Orange and Yellow, these would be much better.
53. OJ. OJ doesn’t stand for Orange Juice, it stands for Overrated Junk.
52. Lemon Juice. Sour. Sweet. Gone.
51. Water, or Wo’er as the bri’ish would call it, is just overrated. It doesn’t even taste like anything!!
50. February. Snow. Valentines. That’s it.
49. Tea. I mean, better than coffee. It’s a go to when you’ve already had hot chocolate and need a different hot drink.
48. Milk. Milk itself may not be great, but it’s the father to many higher ranking creations. Carbonated Milk, The Creamery’s Chocolate Milk, Halo Farm, and best of all, Mr. Byler’s choccy milk!
47. Flag of Ohio. I mean, yeah. Ohio, terrible state. Ohio flag, fantastic.
46. Cake. If done right, cake is amazing. If done like someone from “How-to Basic”, well… just… know where the closest toilet is.
45. 7-up. This used to be my favourite soda, but something overtook.
44. Brownies. Overrated but good. That’s it.
43. Hershey bars. There’s about a million better chocolate bars, but some of the other Hershey products are really good, but the straight chocolate bars? Ehhh, too sweet, but good. Honestly, I prefer dark chocolate. I’m gonna put them here because they make many better chocolates.
42. Swedish fish. I was just gonna whack some Swedish Flags here, but it wouldn’t work.
41. Crunch bars. These are delicious.
SEHR GUT
“These objects are so close, yet so far.”
40. Lemon squares. These are fantastic. If somebody can make these not taste good, they’re trying to make it taste bad. That’s all.
39. Carbonated Milk. Friendship ended with 7-up. Carbonated milk is my favourite soda now. Okay, this should not be good. But it is. It’s weird, but delicious. When you’re drinking it, it tastes like a soda, but has the aftertaste of milk. Why does this work? WHY DOES THIS WORK?? This shouldn’t work! Oh, by the way, if you’d like to experience carbonated milk, there’s an East Asian Market off Atherton that sells carbonated milk!
38. Kazoo. These, just like whistling, you don’t actually need to be musically talented! I know I’m not! Anyway, these are fun to play, and sound nice too! People try to complain that these are annoying. First of all, Shut up. Second, Shut up. Third, once you feel like you’re done shutting up, shut up some more, why dontcha? I made my own Kazoo out of hot glue, wood, screws, and a little bit of a Walmart bag.
37. Flag of Nepal. This is the only non-rectangular flag, and it rocks that. Very nice.
36. Super Mario Odyssey. This game was the first I had played on an actual console, and it was fantastic. Very good. Not much more to say.
35. Recliners. These are the most comfortable chairs, easily. Not much more to say.
34. Burger King. It’s the best in fast food. Don’t even try to say McDonalds. Burger King is definitely better.
33. Legends of Zelda: Breath of the Wild. So, me and my father recently got Tears of the Kingdom, the sequel to BOTW, and it’s amazing, and so is this game! No matter what your level is, you should play this game.
32. Hot Chocolate. Really nice drink in the winter, but in summer? Nope. It’s too hot already because my mom refuses to turn on the AC. Can’t get more hot.
31. Welch’s fruit snacks. These are the best fruit snacks. If you disagree, you should get new taste buds.
EXTREMELY GOOD
“The top was in sight, but these objects couldn’t reach the top.”
30. Rickrolling. I wasn’t actually sure what to say, so I’m just gonna tell a little story. When I was in the fifth grade, I was doing class online. It was my birthday and I was forced to go to online school even though it was my birthday; short story short, I was upset about this. I rickrolled my class like 50 times that day.
29. Ice Cream Cake. It’s good, but with one exception: strawberry ice cream. This doesn’t taste like strawberry, it tastes like cough syrup and hand sanitizer.
28. Onion rings. These are absolutely delicious, but restaurants charge more for these? That is the only thing putting french fries above, because otherwise this would be a tie.
27. French fries. Very good, you can do a lot of things with these. Some of the best fries are: Parmesan Truffle (The Field), the governors pub fries, Poutine (Canada), Waffle fries (Chick-Fil-A) and Curly Fries (Northland Bowling).
26. M&Ms. These are fantastic. Not much more to say.
25. Chocolate. The holy snack. It would be much higher, but people messed up chocolate with things like white chocolate, and Reese’s Cups.
24. Mr. Beast bars. These are actually good unlike other Youtuber brands.
23. November. A nice month, albeit housing the most overrated holiday. Don’t try to argue. Thanksgiving is a stupid, overrated, garbage holiday.
22. Turnip Boy commits tax evasion. Yes, this is real, and it’s actually a great game! The music is great, the story is surprisingly good, and the gameplay is fun! Really weird game, but great!
21. Jolly Ranchers. These would be even higher, but the reds hold them back. If it was just Blue Raspberry, Green Apple, and Grape, that would be so much better.
SUPREME DOMINANCE
“These are above all the other objects! But wait… is that…?”
20. Mallo Cups. These are really, really good, and you can get them straight from the factory if you wanna; they’re made in Altoona! Yeah, not much more to say.
19. Just Shapes and Beats. This is one of the best party games on the Switch, and is quite fun, but too difficult for most people, so it’s here.
18. Flag of Maryland. When I ranted about the flag of Pennsylvania, I mentioned how much better Maryland’s flag is. I’m not even gonna talk about it more. Just google it and stare at its beauty. This flag is epic.
17. Flag of Quebec. This flag is also beautiful. I spent a week in Quebec Province, and saw this flag so many times. It’s a really pretty flag, trust me, just look it up.
16. October. This is a very nice month. It’s pretty and you have Halloween. That’s basically it.
15. April, you made it much farther than anyone would expect. My birth month. Sadly, the weather in this month puts it in 15th.
14. Smash Bros. This game is very fun, and I like clobbering people at it. I don’t even have the full DLC, I just bought the Xenoblade characters.
13. Berkey Creamery’s chocolate milk. This choccy milk was voted best choccy milk on earth, so it is overrated. It is good though, but so overrated. Even more overrated than Meyer Dairy’s choccy milk.
12. Flag of Kazakhstan. This flag is very cool looking. Look, I don’t know how to explain flags, just Google it.
11. Undertale. This is a fantastic game, but just narrowly missed the top ten. The story is fantastic, the music is great, the gameplay is fun, and the characters are some of the best in video games.
ASCENDED
“When these objects thought they reached the top in the Supreme Dominance tier, they ascended to an even higher level, dwarfing those lowly objects in the Supreme Dominance.”
10. Halo Farm’s Choccy milk is creamy and delicious. Sooooo good. Second best choccy milk, easily.
9. December is such a nice month. The snow, the holidays, and all the new stuff. December has NO flaws. Cold is not a flaw. Cold is great, cold is life, why not embrace the cold?
8. Whipped Cream. Oh, this is getting hard now. For a while, picking between objects was super easy, but now? Oh, that’s hard. Whipped cream is my favourite food, and I think eighth is respectable for it. Delicious.
7. The end of School is liberation for all of us, trapped here all year. A joyous, yet solemn day, knowing you’ll not see some of these people for a long time, but maybe that’s a good thing with some people.
6. Legends of Zelda, Tears of the Kingdom. This is BOTW on steroids. It fixed most of the things I disliked about the first game, and introduced some new, cooler features. It’s 27 spaces above its predecessor.
5. Finland. Yes, I put an entire country in my ranking. Finland has an excellent school system, and great human rights! Also, it’s cold there, which is nice.
4. The Flag of Flaerhart. Since you can’t google it, I’ll just whack it here.
I’ll also just say a couple facts about Flaerhart.
It’s a Socialist Tsardom
Our currency runs on the Fruit Snack Standard
Disrespecting Choccy Milk results in death by pit of fire. (Some exceptions apply)
Peanut Butter is banned.
Raisin Cookies are banned.
Orange is the National Color.
Choccymilkism is the national religion.
3. Xenoblade Two. This game has sooo much nostalgia to me, but Xenoblade Three took its spot as my favourite game.
2. Xenoblade Three. Xenoblade Two had one really good character, but the third game has a ton of really good characters, and I think the story made more sense, also, just like Tears of the Kingdom, this game took the good parts about its predecessor, and then added some new features. This game is near perfect.
1. Mr. Byler’s Choccy Milk. What else? This choccy milk is the best choccy milk ever. I’ve been drinking this choccy milk for ages, and we continue to visit the Farmer’s Market solely to talk to Mr. Byler and buy some of his choccy milk.
That’s it.
I’ll see you next school year!
Also, drink some Mr. Byler’s Choccy Milk.
You will not regret it.