A Turkey's Story
By Tara Gopalan
One fateful night before Thanksgiving, A turkey and a pumpkin enjoyed their last night alive and sang their worries away on a farm.
“IIIIII DON”T WANNA DIEEEEEEEEE, and so I’m SINGINGGGGGG an improv songgggggg!”
“You really need to work on your singing skills, turkey” the Pumpkin said.
“Hey, you don’t get to talk. You’re not the one who has to SUFFER a TERRIBLE fate tomorrow at the hands of weird, featherless beasts!!”
“Honestly, tone down the drama. I just watched my whole family get decapitated and made into Jack-o-lanterns, and I’m fine.”
“As your temporary therapist, I doubt that,” the Turkey smirked.
“Don’t pretend like you’re ok too. I know how stressful it must be to know your day of death.”
“You would, wouldn’t you? It’s a real pressure cooker out there. I honestly hoped it wouldn’t be me this year, but the farmer said I’d gained enough weight to be eaten.”
“I didn’t know farmers were authorized to body-shame animals, but whatever. You got another song?” the Pumpkin asked.
“No. All I can think about is the terror that awaits me…OH WOE IS ME!!”
“Buddy, the less you think, the better. All we can hope is that you aren’t mixed with peas.”
“PEAS?! The despicable things!! Oh, now you’re just making me worry more. Great job.”
“You know, in a way, isn't it nice to have a purpose? To know when your life will end so you treasure it more?”
“Oh, cut it out,” the Turkey snapped. “Nobody likes existential produce, especially not the farmers.”
“That’s kind of the point.”
“Hm. Either way, who do you reckon will get taken away first? Me or you?”
“Oh, I bet my seeds that it’ll be you. Who doesn’t like a plump turkey?”
“First of all, you didn’t have to phrase it like that. Second of all, what about vegetarians?”
“Buddy, we’re in America,” Pumpkin said. There’s no such thing as people who hate meat.”
“I’m not going to point out how wrong that is. Anyways, I take so much work to prepare! Wouldn’t it be so much easier to just cut the biggest, juiciest pumpkin in the field and bake it for Thanksgiving?”
“EW, okay, I see what you mean. Less description please. But still, Turkey has been a staple for generations!”
“OH, I beg to differ. I bet my tail feathers that they’ll look at my intimidating face and run right away!”
The Pumpkin asked, “How many tail feathers are we talking?”
“Idk, 3. That’s not the point!”
“Yeah, you’re not intimidating. What are you going to do, cluck at them? Oh no, chubby flightless bird! Whatever will I do!”
“HEY you don’t get to comment on my weight.”
“Just taking after the farmer.”
“But pumpkin is so good, especially with rice! It’s good for feeding many people too. I bet they’ll want you instead.”
“...you’ve eaten pumpkin…?!?!?”
“Duh, they feed me food scraps! Many of which were pumpkin.”
“That’s disturbing. I AM NO SUCH SCRAP.”
“Yeah, right. Hey, I just got another idea for a song!”
“Oh boy…”
The Turkey sang loudly, “OHHHHHHHHHHH who’s going to be eaten most likely by me? THIS HERE PUMPKIN! La la la la la la la la la la laaaa…”
“Dude, you can’t plagiarize off of Spongebob,” the Pumpkin remarked.
“I just did.”
*Human voices* “Hey, look at that turkey! So big. OOH and that juicy pumpkin!”
“I’M NOT THAT BIG-” the Pumpkin pleaded.
“Aw, but it’s too loud. Leave it.”
“Oh, man! Thank goodness,” the Pumpkin sighed. “But you’re in trouble, dude!!”
“What about that pumpkin?” the first human asked.
“Nah, pumpkins taste weird,” frowned the second human.
The Turkey asked, “Wait, then who’s going to be chosen?”
*LOUD SCREAM*
“Oh, they chose cousin Jerry?” the Turkey asked, shocked. “The drama king. Welp, I never liked him anyways.”
“At least it’s not us,” the Pumpkin sighed. “Happy Thanksgiving, Turkey.”
“Merry Thanksgiving, Pumpkin, and a happy New Year!”
“....sure.”
The two sat, sacrificed apples, and chatted until daylight. This is your reminder to get humanely sourced Turkey this Thanksgiving!